I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
