Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My vagina just recognized that song.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
