I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
