The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
