You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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