The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
