Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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