You're my little dorito
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
