Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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