My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my shit smells like andre
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
