Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
