Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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