true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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