She is in my trunk
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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