awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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