dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
