May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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