Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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