you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
