i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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