There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize