after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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