I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
