I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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