This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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