Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
