did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
