He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I could fuck to npr.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
