you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
