Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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