What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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