I didn't shave. On purpose
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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