Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
