I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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