I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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