Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
