I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
