Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
