Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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