Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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