ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
