god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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