Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
