paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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