So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
