You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
