Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
