So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
