he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
