I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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