i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
