Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I understand Curling. That high.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
