Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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