i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
