Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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