He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize