I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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