If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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