yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
