she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
